The Godzilla of Randomness
Friday, Jun. 18, 2004 - 05:15

The paper came late this morning. Almost an hour after its comforting bang usually jolts me to awareness before I realize that, no, its just the paper, someone isn't trying to break down my front door. The pre dawn birds have stopped their chirping already, making way for the dawn singers.

I hate the paper. I never read it, just fills up bags till I take it down to recycling. Julie signed us up for 3 months the day before It All Changed (capitalization intentional, though words will change till I find a phrasing I find acceptable). They should stop delivering it soon. It was only 3 months. Soon enough I won't be woken by what sounds like a small caliber firearm going off in front of my door every morning between 4:00 am and 4:45 am. If they send me a bill there's no way I'm paying for it without some hardcore bitching. I should call em and make sure its canceled.

I worry about things I shouldn't and neglect the things before me. I worry about my emotions. Am I feeling what�s right? Am I coping? Should I be feeling this? Am I really feeling this or is this compensation for something else? Its exhausting and meaningless. No matter what I decide about my emotions, there's nothing to be done about them, so why worry what they actually mean when I'll just do the same thing irregardless of my deeper mental anguish? Same reason a guy will fall for girl after girl, knowing it won't end well. The logic of "If I bang my head against this brick wall long enough, one of them has to come lose."

My emotions feel so random at times, though, so without apparent immediate cause. Its more like someone is throwing bricks at me and I'm running around trying to catch them with my forehead, knowing that one of these days the brick will be gold. Not that it will hurt less, but at least its useful.

Isn't that exactly what dating is like? The one that "works", ending in marriage, home, 2.5 kids and a minivan isn't gonna hurt less. In fact, its probably going to hurt more, overall. But a series of questions have been answered, switches have changed, that it makes it all worth it. Certainly, your going to break up with any number of perfectly good partners for perfectly horrible reasons, and are probably going to stay with "The One" for equally wrong reasons, least to your conscious mind. Just you will have grown enough in yourself to be ready, that individual will have (hopefully) grown enough in themselves to be ready, and they fit the criteria close enough to be your soul mate. Who knows how many subconscious targets have been hit.

/* I wrote a long speal on the subconscious I moved to the bottom of this post cause it had nothing to do with anything and I want to try to keep some mediocre facsimile of sanity and order to my postings... ha, ha... ok, now that I've made you all laugh... */

I read a reasonably long, fairly amusing, and well somewhat well put together representation of what is known as the Ladder Theory [http://www.laddertheory.com]. It is about relationships, how men and women view things differently, blah blah blah. I by no means agree with all of it. Please, I should have put that first... but let me repeat... I by no means agree with all of it.

Now that I said that, I have to say quite a bit of it hit home. I've been "Kicked in the head", as the author put it, several times trying to "Jump Ladders". All because I was an "intellectual whore" (another one of his handy phrases) and didn't realize it.

Of course, why I worry about these things now. Who knows, who knows. Most likely because I know these questions have no answers, least none attainable in this mortal sphere, and it is easier to contemplate my navel than to contemplate things that will affect me on a day to day basis and are just a pain in the ass to deal with.

I'm using as an excuse all this thought about relationships and dating for when I may be prepared to deal with one again, I've thought it all out so I can have a whole fresh unused method and thought process to screw it up with, instead of the old tried and true one.

Then there's always the question of how to profess my love... or... not really love, but what I'd have said was love had I not known real love, how about profess my desire to give it a go with you cause I think there can be a chance...

You see the problem I may run into. I'm rambling now and I'm not even saying it to anyone.

Then there's, of course, what's really running through my head, but won't put down cause I don't want certain people to read it. Damn, what�s the point of having this thing if I'm not gonna write some thing that I want to work through because the ones they affect may read this and that�s certainly now how I'd like to confront anyone with something like this...

Blah, said too much, and they are too clever for their own good. Well, at least my own good.

Maybe next week I'll write about it, or maybe the week after... its like a "to be continued" at the end of your favorite sitcom, isn't it? I should try to get some advertisement on this, so you'll read through that cause I know the suspense is killing you.

Well, been writing this for almost an hour now. Kinda sad that this is all I have, but I've been up all night and its bright enough to be noon out there.

Have people coming over, should clean up a bit... to clean or to sleep... the betting opens, 3:2 for sleep, tomorrow I'll let you know which wins and you can go ahead and try to collect from whichever bookie was smart enough to run this bet.

And, as I end this to the wonderful music of Haze of Love, as sung by Cake, I bid you adieu, abschied and �����.

/* Subconscious rant from above. I recommend saving time and getting the aspirin now. Or better off, not reading it. */

The subconscious. I swear it just likes fucking with you. Your conscious mind, I mean. How many completely messed up things do we do for incomprehensible reasons? How many relationships have we sabotaged, lies have we told, things we've fucked up for what seemed like perfectly logical deciding factors at the time... but looking back... what the hell were we thinking? Our subconscious mind sees more than we do, remembers better than us, and has motivations having nothing to do with logic or sense.

In day to day life, doesn't really affect us much. Just accept that we are mysteries, even unto ourselves, and we move on. Its when the subconscious begins to show its mocking face in long term situations. Like your job... so you've had 12 jobs in the last two years... ohh... of course its always someone else�s fault you got fired or laid off... right.

/* Back to the familiar relationship tangent, though with a different twist. Yes, we are dealing with multiple dimensions of rants here, people! */

When your in a relationship, the subconscious mind really likes to show its ugly head. You come home from wherever and see something stupid that sets you off... say... the lettuce is upside down in the fridge. Now, this sets you off and you don't do one of the smart things of either just fixing it and moving on, or gently reminding your significant other how much upside down lettuce bothers you. Instead, you go off, yelling and screaming about how your wants and needs mean nothing in the relationship and how the upside down lettuce represents how upside down the relationship is and blah blah blah and your last lover was taller.

Now... stop there and think about that. Yes, I'm using an extreme example, but any one of you who've been in a serious relationship have said or heard things just as stupid (I've had a friend who's girl's favorite thing in an argument seemed to be to randomly say that her last boyfriend was taller or something equally meaningless... be the argument about money, the car, or leaving the toilet seat up... her ex was taller).

Now... why do we say these things? How the hell does it benefit us to say things that we know will hurt the one we love, know will probably come around to bite us in the ass (least if we are guys, girls generally get away with these things, cause guys don't want to bring up any inferiority they may have to any ex, while for some reason girls seem to think "was she better than me?" is a question that will make anyone feel better).

I seem to think our subconscious feels pain on some level, least, when the conscious mind is hurt, the subconscious does things to try and avoid that pain again. I know some people get into those fights with the thought bouncing around their head of "If it ends now, I still won't get too hurt and won't have to let them in" and so try and sabotage it. If I had a dime for every relationship I've seen sabotaged...

Who gives that dime, anyway? Probably the same bookie who'd take the bet I stated above. Good luck gettin that.

And, since I'm supposedly still talking about the subconscious, I'll end this rant within a rant within a rant with a statement for anyone in a relationship:

Don't do anything in the heat of the moment, don't say anything. Drinking does not help matters, either. Amusing how strong emotions, especially anger and love/lust have a similar affect on your judgment as copious amounts of alcohol. Only difference is when your stupid under the influence of emotion, it sticks in your memory far more. When your pissed off, you'll say things that you wouldn't imagine coming out of your mouth unless you are boozed up, and then you probably wouldn't remember it anyway.

You get in a fight with your loved one... take a break, calm down, remember that no matter what you are feeling then or want to say, you love this person. And, even if whatever caused the fight may make you doubt that, give it the benefit of the doubt till things have calmed down in both your heads a bit. If this is gonna cause you to break up, well, are you really gonna feel any better for doing it in the heat of the moment when you weren�t in complete control?

On a similar note, starting a relationship under such limited judgment is equally unadvisable. The thought of �Oh shit, what did I do last night� should not go through either individuals head if they plan the relationship to work. Wait 24 hours before committing yourself. If it was going to happen, 24 hours isn�t going to make a difference. If it wasn�t, you just saved yourself some grief. Of course, that part is assuming your not looking for a one night stand or just some cheap sex. If that�s all you want, then, by all means, booze it up.

Dear lord this went on for a time. Spelling is, ah� crappy at best, considering the circumstances under which this was written.

Enjoy yourselves, see the parting I put above. I�d give you the aspirin I�m sure you need now if I could.

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