day of wow
Thursday, Jun. 03, 2004 - 01:50

Well, finally got into the WoW (World of Warcraft, a MMOLRPG game based on Warcraft III, for those of you who aren�t in the inner circle of geekhood) beta last night, spent the night downloading it, all 2 gigs of it, and spent today trying to learn how to get around, being guided to my death, and yelled at for ranking too slowly. And, sadly, I had a good time doing this.

Is it bad that I look at the twisted design of an undead city, pausing to glance at what appeared to be some sort of mixer in the shape of a giant bug, seemingly stitched out of once (still?) living flesh, processing toxic green slime, and think "Eh, that dream I had a couple nights ago was still stranger."

In the end, though, my fucking piss ass mood takes over, that and my shitty DSL modem, and I give in about 20 minutes ago cause I need a break, I need sleep, and my DSL modem needs to not overheat.

Its sad. A few years ago I could spend a week doing this, only getting up to refill whatever beverage I was drinking(caffeinated, of course), and to empty the drink a few hours later into the porcelain throne. Now I spend a few hours straight doing this and I freak out thinking I missed something of life. Typically freak out due to the fact that my life still feels empty, no matter how full it is. Am I supposed to adjust to life as it is, accept it, and... then what... or am I supposed to remain dissatisfied with my single life and strive to fix it. When is that desire too strong? When does it move from a healthy genetic desire to procreate and raise a family to an obsessive desire to fill a void in my life?

Questions I cannot answer in the best of times, and this is far from the best of times.

I over think things, typically, but my heart has gotten me in trouble before, and refuses to learn from the past. My mind, therefore, has to take the duty of leashing my heart in. My heart makes the mistakes, my mind gets hurt. Its like an amnesic dog that keeps getting hit by cars. You are the one who has to pay the vet bills, the dog gets better and goes out and does it again. Sooner or later its gonna get killed, and you'll feel like shit then, too, but what are you going to do? Gotta keep the dog penned up except in careful situations in which you carefully obey all leash laws. Every once in a while you'll find a nice, safe field to let your dog run loose in, and hope there isn't a road somewhere you didn't notice, with cars ready to send you right back to where you started, just a little more banged up.

Yes, obscure analogy. I hope the point got out to more than just me.

You can never know weather or not you made the correct choice, unless you risk making the wrong one.

To those of you who know me. I am in no way implying that the last four years of my life were a mistake. Sadly, however, it feels much the same to the forgetful heart. It knows only pain and joy, the mind is what translates these emotions into reason, failing miserably most of the time, as the two do not communicate well and the mind misinterprets often enough what the cause is and solution should be. There is only one thing I could have done to escape this pain, and that choice I made over 3 years ago.

A man desires solutions to all problems. Problems like this have no solution. To risk using an analogy that may offend some, pain of the heart is much like a woman. Often enough, a woman will voice her problems to her significant other without any desire for that person to try and fix the problem, just listen. A man hears a problem of the woman he cares about, and the first instinct is to fix it, offer solutions, do something. My mind is constantly struggling for ways to make the pain of my heart stop, when my heart just needs to hurt for a time.

Yet, even though I realize this, the first thought to come to my mind is "there has to be a way to fix this, to make this pain go away".

The quandary that is me.

The question remains. When do I open up the gates to my wounded heart and let it wander around this world? The one I am meant to be with will wait, I suppose, but not wait indefinably. I trust nothing but myself, especially in this matter. I do not trust that someone I fall for will still be there when I get my head out of my ass. What if, what if, what if . . .

I'm dying to die again, it seems.

I'm dying to give my heart to another, to see it in the potentially indifferent, spiteful, or merely careless grasp of another human being.

I better check my chest for a stitched up wound, 'cause I think you stole my heart.

Well. I think its time for me to sleep. Too many one liners. Enough dancing around questions I do not want to answer, time to give into the oblivion that is my nightmare of sleep.

It�s easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It�s so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

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