late night ramblings
Friday, May. 28, 2004 - 02:28

Its 2 am. Watching crappy late night TV. I can't sleep and I won't be able to sleep for hours. I find my desire for a companion to be very strong, and my acceptance of my life as it is very low. Lonely and trying to find something to do with my life. Worked so hard to define my life with another, redefining it alone, something I was never particularly skilled at, is proving quite difficult. Also finding the motivation quite hard to come across, as I know I shall have to reverse paths once again in the future, though how soon is anyone�s guess.

It does not help that my current lifestyle lacks structure, requirements, or schedule, granting me freedom to do what I wish when I wish, granting me the most options to define my life by ... when the one choice I truly desire is unavailable to me, separated from me by a force beyond reconciliation by any mortal hand. Freedom means nothing to one denied what he wishes. I think I�d be happier with a 60 hr a week job, giving me no freedom but to come home, eat, and sleep, then I would have something to define myself, something outside myself. One cannot define himself lacking reference. A one sided equation solves nothing � but relying on another to define yourself is equally risky. Ah, the endless questioning.

Four years ago, I could not imagine giving my life to another for all time, now I cannot imagine remaining alone for another year, much less another decade. Perhaps that will be my downfall. Desperation is not an attractive trait in a person. But� I am not truly desperate, I just know what I want. Is there a difference? I�m not interested in a relationship that will go nowhere, though I will undoubtedly find myself in those, such is the way of life. I also do not believe myself desperate enough to remain in a doomed relationship.

I have held myself off from allowing myself into a relationship because I believed myself too unwell, too emotionally unstable to offer someone the relationship they deserve. Perhaps this means I am indeed ready. Perhaps I should allow love into my life once more. Perhaps that is what is needed to heal this wounded heart.

Alas, doubt remains in my heart� will it ever pass� time will tell� but there must be a time when I press forward irregardless, because I cannot remain here forever. A little while longer, perhaps. Of course, not that the ladies have been banging at my doors, so it would appear to matter little if I consider myself ready or not.

Ah, such the endless questioning of life, it would be so much easier if we knew ourselves. Knowing others is difficult enough.

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