Sunday, Dec. 05, 2004 - 17:48

Blog moved to, if anyone still bothers reading this.

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Given up and moved the page
Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004 - 01:37

Seeing as I havn't posted on here for a while, I'll let you know that my last few posts I havn't bothered to duplicate on this site. All future posts will be put up at till that page gets redirected to my own domain. Thanks for the cooperation.

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Long absence, no good reason.
Friday, Oct. 15, 2004 - 00:51

So much for making it a habit. Life got busier, money got tighter, computer had many problems, etc, etc. Suddenly felt that sharing my thoughts with an uncaring world should be a very low priority, and so it has become.

I don't want to talk about any of my problems. Everything that can be said has been said, and everything that I don't want to say won't be, so whats the point? Money is tight, its the last month of everything. Bills coming due, everyone wanting shit now, now, now. I just don't have it, down to my last few pieces of currency.

Starting a new job tomorow. Rather, the same job at a new place. Not sure if its going to work out. Working with people who fucked me over 7 months ago after saying over and over again everything would be fine. Well, I need money, and I know I can make money here. A lot of money, if things go right. I only need a couple of things from these people and then I won't have to deal with them. It should be fine, or so I keep telling myself. I don't have much choice. I need money.

My resume is definatly more colorful now. Sr. Media Planner, CTO, etc, etc. Gonna look downright impressive if I ever get out of college and apply for a real job.

I feel like breaking something, many things, with my bare hands. I've been having more dreams lately. They are getting to me, dispite everything. In one dream my dead wife came to me and told me she faked her death to get away from her life, me included. I protested, in this dream, saying no, it is only a dream, this isn't real. She acknowleded that that was only a dream, but it is truth in reality as well. Needless to say my mind had trouble moving on after that for a while.

Always back to dreams. I am a dreamer. Thinking more and more about these I realise this. Two weeks before I moved to Chico, over 2 years ago now, I had a dream where there was a dragon covering all of my hometown. I went around town trying to get help, but either people would not listen to me, or would be hurt if they did, and I had to leave my home before I could do anything. I didn't think much of it at the time, but it seems a message...

It seems strange. I am so logical in my thought process... but I trust my feelings, and allow them to override my logic at times for, well, no good reason. It usually seems to hold true, however, and in hindsight I can look at most of my feeling decisions and find reason to support them.

Dispite everything, though, I miss her dreadfully. I don't expect to see her or anything, like I used to. Its been several months since I saw someone who looked like her and went to see their face only to be disapointed... but I miss her. Miss talking with her, holding her, laughing at the stupidity of Spongebob with her. God, I do. I want someone, but... till I can say I want someone by my side, not want someone to take her place... who knows. Slowly, step by step. Step by step.

I have an obsessive personality. I havn't really obsessed over anything recently, I havn't let myself, and so everything I do is in passting, a hobby, a fling. Nothing of my deeper self goes into anything, and so nothing is important to me. I think I'm really and truely hurt, and won't really let myself dive into anything till I feel I am healed enough... but I also do not think I will ever feel I am healed enough to allow myself to be hurt again, so I must just take the dive anyway, but, bah. Circles, around I go. Where I stop, nobody knows.

One of my roommates is bugging me slightly. Well, the truth is both are bugging me slightly, but for different reasons. The one I was originally speaking of is bugging me cause he seems to have so many girls at this time he can't shake a stick at em all, picking a chosing, blah blah blah. I really do miss having a girl. Its true that a man is incomplete without one. A sad truth, and one with limited application, but a truth nonetheless. One must be careful in their search, also, and not find meaning in another that one should find in themselves. But I hear people saying you should be satisfied alone, and that I will never be.

I'm still wandering around blindly. Groping for meaning. Trusting there is one, though again I do not know why.

I don't want to acknowledge the dark shapes in my head, the thoughts that threaten, which is why I do not write. It comes out here, and I don't want it to. I don't want it to come out anywhere. I want it not to be there... but it is, nonetheless, and will remain so.

I'm sorry I havn't written in a while, with any sort of luck I will feel like it more oft now. At least once a week, but I don't want to tie myself to any schedule.

Till the next time.

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The week begins
Tuesday, Sept. 14, 2004 - 01:37

I missed last night's entry. Passed out with a book on my chest, and slept through my alarm, missing my first class. Missed a quiz, which sucks, but I'll live; it's an easy class. Glad I fell asleep that way, glad I was tired enough. Falling asleep is hard, still. Closing my eyes, staring into the quiet darkness, images flashing through my head, I find the most unfortunate memories popping into my head.

Its odd. When I try and remember different things, sometimes I remember it as I experienced it, but quite often I remember it as if I am outside of myself, watching myself do it. Perhaps that means I don't really remember it and am constructing a facsimile of the real thing in my mind... but it is odd.

Its also startling how often I do not recognize myself. I do not know the man I have become. I look at myself in the mirror every day, but I do not think I would recognize myself if I walked by me. It's a disturbing concept, how strange I have become even to my own perceptions. Who is this man that dwells in my skin, looks through my eyes, and thinks my thoughts? Where is the person I once thought I knew? Answers are not to be had so easily as that, so I search on.

I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm doing to get there.

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As promised
Sunday, Sept. 12, 2004 - 00:39

Well, as promised, here is another daily posting. Today not much happened of interest. Watched Resident Evil: Apocalypse, which was a good movie, for coming from a video game. I like how they stated the original use for the virus was benevolent, but taken to be used for other purposes. Sorry if I ruined anyone�s surprise. Yes, the zombies are caused by a virus. Today�s zombie curse is bio-weaponry. Isn�t it interesting how even the most classic of fiction changes with the times. Satan has turned into a scientist.

That says a lot inofitself of how people nowadays are conflicted mentally. That we can glorify in our technical advances at the same time the great evil is people taking science too far. I guess thats why all the older evils were more religious based, involving satan, churches, etc. Science has become the mondern mainstream religion, and so our religious fears are transfered over to it. The different sciences is the modern pantheon of gods. Some chose to worship at the altar of biology, some technology, some psychology. From which one will salvation come? From which one our doom?

An interesting thing to think through, looking how this affects people on a daily basis. Seeing as this train of thought has just occured to me, I'll have to dwell on it more

Other than watching the movie I just did a little bit of homework, watched some TV and played some games, nothing major. Not sure if I mentioned this before, but the landlord has been working on the roof since we moved here. He finally finished it, giving us free access to the patio, meaning we can move stuff out there. Have a bbq, a table and a futon to stick out there. Clearing up some space, and making it useable. Should be able to hang out out there and do HW, write, or whatever. Its covered, so it'll be a nice place to hang out in the rain.

I am suddenly very exhausted, and find my eyes having difficulty staying open, so I�ll cut this short now. Can�t think of much else to say, anyway.

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A much belated post
Saturday, Sept. 11, 2004 - 03:50

Well, so much for me posting regularly to this. I think I'll defiantly post on a daily basis for the next week. That should get me back into the habit.

Tonight I don't feel like writing much of intelligent content. Its been about 6 months, now. This week, as it were. I feel like so much has changed, and yet not. My brain hurts, from trying to take my classes at least somewhat seriously. Its difficult to logically analyze arguments in a couple classes, move on to differential equations, which I'm still trying to get into the groove, it being... oh... 3 years since I took my last math course, sorta outa practice with the calculus and all, then move on to reading existentialist writing and thinking about it in an existential manner (read: without logic). Lord my head hurts. Feel really scitzo. Have to segment the homework, which is hard when I put it all off to the last minute.

I'm feeling somewhat pressured by my classes. Even my basic logic course. At one point during my last class the teacher went up to give an example and said "This is really hard, none of you will get this at first. Chris, I'll probably need your help to explain it to everyone." WTF is that, I have to wonder. Oh well.

I'm trying to take my existentialist class seriously. I mean, it completes my health requirements, so I should put some effort into it. I'm finding that I agree, somewhat, with the existentialist writers but, and this is part of what causes the hurting in my brain, the writing is, well, quite non-logical in its conclusions. "Well, the sun shines during the day, and many birds fly south for the winter, so you should want the best for mankind." Not quite that bad, but it might as well be. I really need to read more before I make any major decisions about it. I defiantly won't give in fully to the philosophy, but the concepts of taking responsibility, being true to yourself and a mans life really only meaning as much as his actions, no credit given to what he might have done. Then again, that it seems as most of them are quite atheist as well, which I am defiantly not. Ah, well.

Had an interesting experience today. The bank screwed up, and almost repoed my car. I called em to bitch about it, and found out that they had my last few months payments, just hadn't applied it to the account. So that certainly turned what was supposed to be a restful afternoon into a fairly stressful timespan, for then and till I calmed down. Bah.

Finally brought my cats up from my parents house. They freaked out for the first day, but are as adjusted as they could be. Angel, the older one, seems very happy to be back with me. Star, the younger one, seems to be missing one of my parents cats whom he played with all the time, but is doing fine with himself. They are getting along with my deaf roommate just fine, Star will curl up on his bed with him when he's doing homework, even, though its just cause he wants to be pet, like he always does. Angel is trying to take up her spot on my old recliner, which I am letting my other roommate use as his own, and gets very upset when he wants to use it, looking offended as only cats can do. Ah, well, I'm glad to have em back, really.

I feel like writing gibberish, just spewing. But been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Not even sure what I should say, blocks in my mind quite secure right now. Don't really have the time to break down anymore. Don't know if I want to, anyway, don't know what to say. The theme of my life, at this time, is "I don't know."

All I have to say for now. As I said, I'll post on a daily basis, even if I have nothing really to say.

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Long since last time
Thursday, Aug. 26, 2004 - 00:33

Not much has changed since my list entry, dispite my promise to post more often. Last week, I did nothing. I slept and played video games, waiting for classes to start, recovering from my illness. Speaking of classes, they started this prior Monday. I'm taking a lite load, only 14 units. A couple logic courses, Differential Equations and a class on Existentialism. I have 7 assignments due Friday, as well as two quizes. This is fun. Oh well, I've done many of them. Trying to keep myself ahead, don't want to fall into the old habits.

Watched a couple movies tonight with my roommates and a friend. Aliens and Hero. Nothing special there, but I always concentrate on the love aspect of any movie. Hero, especially. My heart aches.

An assignment for Existentialism was to read A Clean, Well0Lighted Place by Ernest Hemingway and write about it, both how you felt about it and how it affected you. Not the easiest thing. I felt more in common with the old, deaf man sitting at the cafe all night drinking wiskey than the two younger waiters waiting for him to leave. Teacher wants us to keep a journal about all this crap, so I will. We'll see how it goes. I feel I have more in common with an Existential philosophy than anything else at this time, though not quite, my mind cannot release logic, cause and effect.

I still dispise my dreams. I have been allowing myself to sleep more than I was, and the reasons I avoid it are still true. I wake up more tired than I fell asleep. I have not had a dream in the last 5 months where the truth is acknowledged. In all of them I search for her, always fail, for some reason unrelated to reality. I feel abandoned, though it is not fair. I feel empty, lost. Emotions not felt for 4 years, but far too familiar.

My new apt is working out well enough. Roof is being replaced. When that is done I'll bring my cats back, hope they can deal with the new living arangements. Hope they can forgive me for abandoning them for 2 months. Even their company would be a comfort, though. I'm tired of hanging around happy couples. So so tired of it. I'm also tired of some of my friends girlfriends seemily flirting with me. I'm sure they are not, just being nice to me, knowing my situation and all... just hard when another woman puts her arms around me, or sits in my lap, or whatnot.

I'm not stable, yet another fact that has broken its way into my thoughts. I'm really not. Both because of the past and my attempting to cope with the future. My mind, my personality, I am changing, and I don't know where it will end.

Its time to go cry myself to sleep again. Tomorow is a long day of homework, not the easiest stuff, either.


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First week in new home
Saturday, Aug. 14, 2004 - 02:38

As moving goes... just about finished. Still need to organize my room, not something I've ever been terribly good at, and get the last random things from the storage unit. Got the last of the big things in yesterday... desks, bookshelves, sofa. The living room is... well, fairly ridiculous. I'll have pictures before too much longer, for your amusement, to say the least. Three TVs, three recliners and a love seat in the living room. All three TVs have an x-box, with a recliner lined up for the comfort of the player. The loveseat is off to the side. Its an interesting front room. I really had to admit how foolish the whole thing seemed when, this afternoon, we were watching TV on all three TVs at the same time. All different shows, of course. Ha. Also, of course, all three x-boxes are online. What did you expect, really?

My room is coming along nicely, though. As organization goes, most things are in their place. Still need to get a new shelf for all my DVDs and CDs now that my entertainment center is out of action, where they previously resided. Of course, hardly see the point. I barely have any DVDs that Anthony doesn't. He has a huge collection. Won't have to rent a movie for a long, long time.

My room won't be really done, though, till after this weekend. Getting a new bed in tomorrow. Couple of reasons. The first purely comfort. I currently sleep in a twin sized bed. And though, really, I can sleep nearly anywhere, it is a bit... tiny. The second due to some associations I have in my mind of that bed involving Julie's death. It doesn't inspire pleasant thoughts as I lie there struggling to allow sleep to overtake me. Whatever the reason, the new bed arrives tomorrow morning. I just finished clearing some boxes out of the way as to make it at least somewhat easier for the larger bed to get in. Hopefully its enough.

I've been having a lot of nightmares lately. No real surprise, there, I suppose. I let myself get more sleep, and I enter into deeper REM cycles and the dreams are more esaly remembered. Another reason why I prefer insomnia and exhausted restless sleep rather than a healthy sleep cycle allowing my body and mind to truly rest. Of course, doesn't really feel much more restful. Not with the dreams. Never with the dreams.

I've been writing them down... missed a few, of course, some slip away before I can remember them... and waking up early to a dream, well, usually it seems more important to try and get another couple hours of sleep rather than struggle to enough wakefulness to type up what I dreamt. But I do have a few down. Certainly some of the more disturbing ones.

I have yet to have a dream where I face the truth of the situation. That is to say, quite bluntly, that Julie is dead. In every dream I've had for the last 5 months, that I recall, at least, Julie is alive in some way or another. In some of the dreams I knew she was alive, in others, such as the more recent, I had thought she was dead but thought wrong. As far as I can tell its merely my mind struggling to deal with the emotions and trying to find reason behind it all in metaphors, but not really accept that I will never see her again.

That bothers me, a lot. Putting it mildly, of course. Every day there are a dozens of little things, I think I'll ask her something, or I think of something or see something I think she'd find amusing or touching or something, then remember that I can't tell her. Its hard to get a timeframe for this healing process. I've heard 2 years spouted a lot. I really don't want to accept that... but I also can't imagine really moving on anytime soon, so perhaps 2 years is more reasonable than I care to admit.

Hopefully I'm dealing with these things in a at least mostly healthy manner. I really don't know what I could be doing besides living, at least right now. I talk to people when I need to... most of the time. Though perhaps its my own little vanity that I really prefer to talk to girls about these things, but that usually isn't terribly available, especially not girls whom I trust enough to really share with. Also especially not girls whom I trust enough to really share with and whom I also share an area code with.

Ah, well, my own little excuses for not dealing with my shit when I really need to... or perhaps my own little way of not having what I really want: a wife to share my life with. That does seem more likely. The aching female shaped hole in my life, so who do I find it easiest to share with? A female, of course.

Enough of this, women, women, women, can't I bitch about anything else? Money, I suppose, but that�s nothing anyone really needs to be hearing about. Money matters... quite personal, really. Why more so than anything else, I wonder. The completely unrelated thought that enters my mind is the mathematical proof that a woman = evil. It has to do with women and money.

Well, back to the matters at hand. Signing up to a few classes, probably only gonna take like 9 or 12 units this semester. Really don�t need to take many more than that, anyway. Going to get a part time job to help give me an excuse to get out of the house. Don�t particularly care what it is so long as it isn�t the food service industry. That just ain�t me. Roommates both taking classes full time. Neither of them in anything major yet. Its strange being the oldest in the home by over a year. Not used to being the oldest in a group. Throughout my youth the company I typically hung with was older than myself by several years. Of course, there were exceptions, but primarily, I hung with an older crowd. Strange how it�s changing all of a sudden. Almost exclusively my friends are younger than me.

Its also somewhat strange realizing that the only reason we got the house was because of what happened to me. The landlord wasn�t going to rent to us, but he and his family attend the church semi-regularly, and his wife recognized my name. Or so I was told, at least. I assume the statement is accurate, but who knows. The other guys don�t know that, don�t see any reason to tell them, but it is kinda interesting.

Ok, I�m rambling. I gotta be up in a brief while to be ready for the bed arriving and to do some cleaning work around here, I also have to sleep, though I do so desire not to.

Sorry for the long posts of late. Now that I have my net connection setup I�ll hopefully be posting with more regularity and so the posts will, with any sort of luck, not be so long. Oh well. As goes the end of every week, I do so hope the next one goes better.

Till next time

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And so I sit another lonely night
Monday, Aug. 09, 2004 - 12:37

I finish this up roughly 3 am the morning of August the 9th. I don�t have an internet connection till friday� so I may just drive around till I find one to post this. Though I may wait till morning� driving tonight may be a mistake� I may end up driving someplace I really, really shouldn�t and doing something I really, really shouldn�t� and never posting this. This was written at the end, but appears first, it�s an old geek mind trick.

I sit here, in my new home. Many of my belongings are here, but the storage unit is still quite full. Not that that is important, or why I even begin to write tonight. Just thought it is worth mentioning for the sake of placement.

My two new roommates are gone for the weekend, gone to a friends place in Yuba City. So tonight I sit alone in a new house far away from comfort though I am closer to friends and family. I should sit down and write the poem that refuses to leave my head. Perhaps I will soon, perhaps after this, though I doubt I will have the energy.

I just watched the Butterfly Effect. Fuck. The part of my mind that remains mostly sane says it was a good movie. Well done, reasonable message. The part of my mind that refuses to accept reality says that, were I given the choice. To go back and kill myself to save the woman I loved. I would. I would do that and feel no regret. Not that I could feel at that point� but lets ignore semantics like that.

Just� fuck. I�ve been sick the last few days Feeling a bit better today� but not really, still.

Maybe being here is a bad idea. Maybe moving to Oroville will be my end. The beginning of my end, and I put so much effort into it. Why, why, why, why�.

So many memories here. The� the insane part of our relationship, mostly took place here. The late night drives, the sneaking around, the promises of love till the end� I wonder how I can keep myself from taking a drive down memory lane and taking a sharp left turn off a hundred foot drop. Will there be a day when dead does not seem welcome?

I am mad at God. Oh, don�t get me wrong, I still think He has a plan, trust He intends best, yada yada yada� but I am mad at Him. Furious, to be more verbal about it. We are not exactly on speaking terms anymore. I�ll follow where He leads, take a pit stop to liquor up now and again when I just can�t take the road anymore�

Yea, I haven�t drank since that fateful drunken night in Alameda. I think that was the worst night of my life. I really do. Scratches on my face still haven�t healed. Not that its that impressive that I haven�t drank anything since then. Being sick doesn�t really help you want to drink.

I can�t avoid the dreams, though. I really can�t avoid the dreams. I don�t remember much about the recent ones. Exhaustion will do almost as well as drinking to do that� but I know I�ve been having them, and they haven�t been good. Beer: Now there�s a temporary solution.

Black and white world, so much gray, though. I saw another movie, a brief while back, that I now forget but it also hit me hard. I�ve seen a lot of movies this last couple of weeks. Saw the Village. It was� good, I suppose, too much of a love movie to really be that enjoyable for me right now. I won�t spoil the ending of it for those who haven�t seen it, so I won�t say any more. Manchurian Candidate� I can relate to his insomnia, cup of noodles, No Doze� I can relate to it. Though the framework is entirely different. Dreams torment us both. Made the mistake of watching Daredevil again, even. Not that great a movie, and everyone he cares about dies. Why do I do this to myself?

Sanity has only a loose grip upon my mind at this time, I could lose it at any time. Sometimes I wish I would, but I always think ahead, though not too in depth. I can�t stop thinking, stop knowing, that this is only temporary. A storm to be weathered, it will get better. �Fuck no,� I want to say, �fuck how?�

There is a certain comfort only a woman can bring. This is the problem. I do feel like I need that comfort, that companionship, before I can really move forward� but how can I let anyone be that comfort, that companion, to me when I still am in love with my dead wife? How?

Oh, there are so many other problems with moving on that I can name, but that one� that one is unique in so many ways� and� and�

I just want someone to cuddle with while I watch some stupid movie, or to chat with while we watch the sunset, or to make dinner for� or order dinner and pretend to have made it after screwing up the recipe. I just want to be a romantic fool again. Someone to say �I love you� to�

I just want to have someone to live for. And that�s a completely awful thing to say. A completely wrong way to live, to love� and just cause I know it doesn�t make that desire, so uniquely biological, emotional and psychological, go away. How could it� how could it�

How could a day go by when I don�t want to die?

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And such has gone another fun filled week in my life
Thursday, Aug. 05, 2004 - 23:54

I start off this post that way because I wouldn�t want to give the wrong impression. The impression that my life is anything but wonderful. So, lets see� where was I when we last spoke� ah, yes. It was late Monday night, Tuesday morning. I was reminiscing of 4 years prior, when I first met my wife, and relaying a convoluted story about the first while of our relationship.

I'd continue it now were I not so physically and mentally drained. I'll just relay a few events since then.

So, shortly after that, I departed for the Bay Area to spend time with some friends before they left for college, and cause it seemed like a good idea to get out of town, as I couldn�t start moving in till Friday. The first night there was quite interesting. Hung out with my friends and several of their friends at a party. Don�t really remember the walk home very well, to say the least� and felt miserable the next day. Didn�t do too much of interest down there. But would have been relaxing had I not spent most of the 2nd day recovering. First thing I said upon waking� in a house I�d never been in before that night with most of my clothes absent� was �what the fuck happened last night�. Yea� I�m laying off the sauce for a while. Think that was my body�s way of telling me to cool the fuck down with the self poisoning on so many fronts.

I�m in HMB now, with my parents. Gonna be driving back up north tomorrow. Paying for the new place tomorrow, bit of pro-rated rent and the deposit. Fun, fun. Could be moving my stuff in� but I feel like hell and that�d just be far too much work right now, and several people who�d be helping me aren�t going to be around this weekend, anyway.

Just, overall, feel like shit right now, and have all week. Depressed, lonely, down� did I mention lonely? Yea. So many reasons, so many desires. So many habits still unbroken and expectations still unmet� what to do with myself. Just living will inevitably lead to death� and� I don�t know where that thought was going to lead that is anywhere constructive. Oh well. I�ll just stick to caffeine and sleep deprivation for the time. Have to avoid the dreams somehow.

That�s it, thoughts gone, gonna veg. Gotta recover a little bit, at least, before tomorrow.

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Completely out of the APT & Long Story
Monday, Aug. 02, 2004 - 21:43

Been depressed all day. Had to finish moving out this morning, figured that was why, at first, but got that done with soon enough, completely emptied out the place, got everything in, poorly organized, but in, the self storage. Of course, now I learn I have the place, gotta move everything again soon. I'll give myself a week or something. Don't want to move it again soon. Exhausting work... and I don't think I could ask that of all my friends so soon again.

Pretty sure I mentioned it, but its worth mentioning again. Sold my old 97 Accord. Its nice having cash to pay bills and the like, but its sad to see it go. Julie never wanted to sell it... or at least take out the back seat before we did. Not entirely sure how that would have worked, but I was willing to humor her a few years down the road when we replaced it. Sad to see it go. Car treated me well, even though I didn't treat it too well. Put about 70000 miles on it in 2 years. But I have a car. Fewer miles, better engine, and one Julie and I bought together. Different memories, different emotions, everything is hard.

Back to the original subject... again, maybe for the last time. Been depressed all day. Its a beautiful day, don't think it even got into the 90's. Wonderful smells in the air, nice cool breeze... overall one of the better summer days, climate wise. I think I would have preferred miserable weather. 4 years ago on this day I met Julie for the first time. Thinking back, always amazing how it was. A romantic would have called it love at first sight, on my behalf. I tend to call it interest at first sight. I saw her and wanted to get to know her. She mostly ignored me for various reasons, two very good ones, actually. One being she thought (because she was told) that I was with someone else there, and the second being she had a boyfriend at the time. I was unaware she thought the first... and for some reason completely out of character for me didn't really care about the 2nd. Well, not really for some reason, I was infatuated and she wasn't entirely happy in the relationship, so I just did what made perfect sense at the time.

I met her at a funeral. Sister of a friend of a friend. I only went up cause I was sick of being in town and wanted to get away from the crappy summer class I was taking. I didn't even really plan on staying the night. I ended up staying there for a week. Longer than the friend who invited me up stayed, even. A very interesting week. I really did give my heart to her, then. My friends all thought I went insane. But I was there for a week, and went up the following weekend to see her... I averaged twice a week trips (roughly 200 miles each way) to see her for the next several months... nearly a year. Sometimes I'd drive 3 hours, usually speeding cause for some reason I was being immature and hiding how often I was going up from my parents, was very lucky to only get two speeding tickets in that year and a half till I moved up to Chico. But I'd drive 3 hours each way, to only see her for half an hour to an hour at a time. I don't understand why I did it... well, that�s a lie. It was love, of course. I'd do it all again.

But it took her a long, long time to finally break up with her boyfriend. I say that because at the time it felt like an eternity... though from early August to Thanksgiving, nearly 4 months, by my tired count, isn't really that long of a time. Impatient and impetuous youth. The things we do. I did lose my mind, there, for really that is what Love is. And I was infatuated. It took her some time to begin to feel the same about me... not too long, though, really, all things being considered.

I gave myself to her, body, mind and spirit, far too soon for any sane relationship. I will have to temper any and all future relationships, and be certain not to compare and contrast, or maybe not, maybe I will find something similar again... I do not know, and that concerns me. It was... it was as if we knew time was limited, deep down. I can say that, really, from that January, if not earlier, I knew I would marry her. I still felt the need to go through the time and steps and the like... but there was no doubt in my mind where it would end.

Wasn't an easy road, of course, hazards and pitfalls galore along the way. But... but always I knew. I never thought of anyone else since we met, even early on when I thought I'd never get her... I wouldn't go out with anyone else. I acted the opposite of how I advised others to act. You know what they say about fools in love.

So the miles upon miles of driving went on quite often till I moved to Chico at the beginning of March '02. Couldn't count on my hands the times I saw my life flash before my eyes because of my or other peoples driving, considering most of this driving went on during commute time or late, late at night. It was love.

Well, wasn't planning on relaying that much of a story at this time... its getting less coherent as I grow more tired. Also, I got through with a... interesting, unexpected and defiantly surreal conversation with a girl I hadn't talked to for a couple of months. Didn't handle it as well as I might have... don't have much experience handling that question and am way too tired to improvise very well. Maybe I can smooth things over tomorrow. Doubtfully, but maybe.

Well, maybe I'll finish this story some other time... or re-write it so it makes sense. But its been a long day... saw two movies (I, Robot and Manchurian Candidate, the former being interesting and the latter being very, very good but somewhat hard to watch for reasons I havn't thought through yet). Also, I have to be up in a few hours to get my car worked on, and another long day... so till another time.

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And so it goes
Sunday, Aug. 01, 2004 - 08:36

Well, got about 98% of my apt packed today. Gonna drag a few people to Chico with me tomorow and a couple pickups and move the load to my storage facility. Should be about 4 - 6 truckloads, I�m estimating. But I could be estimating really badly. I�ll get some pictures tomorow before the loading starts, for no particular reason.

I think I found a place. 3 bed 1 bath home. Good sized backyards, grape vines and an orange tree, as well as some pepper and tomato plants in the back yard. Custom kitchen, fireplace, garage� overall really nice. The landlord didn�t like the idea of renting to three college age guys, but I thought he looked familiar, and it turns out he goes to my church. Didn�t recognize me right away, either, but called the assistant pastor to ask if he knew of us. That was a good thing, since the assistant pastor gave me his number if I needed a reference for a place. Worked out both ways, looks like he�s gonna give us a chance. Will know for certan by monday. Still won�t be able to move in for 2 weeks, there is work to be done. But having a place for certain, well, I can crash various places as needed. Been on a couch most of the last month and a half, whats a couple more weeks?

On another note, finally sold my spare accord. Sad seeing it go. Lots of good memories in �er. Julie never wanted to get rid of the back seat. Ha. Oh well. Just something else I have to let go of, just like so many other things. Really tough packing up and finding so much that was hers in random places, just cause its not been something I�ve wanted to do for the last few months, every time I got started something else would be found and I wouldn�t go on, blah.

I have too much stuff. More than any single 22 yr old guy needs. Complete kitchen with nice silverware and plates and the like. Good blender, chopper, knives, even an ice cream maker. Complete home. Lucky for the guys I�m movin in with, I guess. They don�t have much.

Speaking of much. Between the three of us, we have 6 computers, 5 TVs and 3 X-Boxes. We should open a store or something. Should be an interesting setup we have there, not sure how much of that will be in the living room. Good thing its a good neighborhood. Would suck to have that stolen. Definatly getting renters insurance.

Well, long day tomorow. Gotta get up early to to go church. Figure if this guy is renting to us cause I go to his church� I should be at church for once. Doubly so if he hunts me down at church to tell me that we can rent his place. Probably wouldn�t look as good if I wern�t there. Its like being a kid again. Ha.

Need all my stuff out tonight, tomorow morning at the latest. Figure as I sent a letter the lawyer wrote for me demanding my security deposit back, as well as damages� I should have all my shit out of there. Fun fun fun stuff.

Gonna stop now, rambling on and on. Till the next time.

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The saga continues
Thursday, Jul. 29, 2004 - 11:20

Haven�t had much success in looking for a place to live. Only one place we have looked at this far is even a possibility, and its not available for 2 weeks.

Spoke with a lawyer yesterday. We'll see how that ends. I just want my deposit back, I don't want to go through all this. But what is necessary is necessary.

Depressing looking for a new place to live, depressing having my old place like it is. Everything is depressing. Life is depressing. Even when I finish dealing with this crisis, and the next crisis, nothing will be OK. Everything will still be shit. It doesn't matter what I do, so why do I work so hard at doing it? I was told yesterday they admired me for always moving on, no matter what happens. What the fuck else am I supposed to do? Giving in, well, death and/or insanity are the only ends to that road. Pain, endless pain is still preferable to that dream without sleep, and I don't really want to consider what an insane me would be like.

So I push on as the road crumbles about me, its only a matter of time before I have nowhere left to go, but I'll push on till then. People tell me to ask for help when I need it. How can I ask people for help when I don't know what to ask for help for? "Can you help me?" "Yea, what do you need me to do?" "I don't know."

I don't know where this is going to end. I don't see any way but badly. I have no money, no prospects, no home, no life. People want to help, but how, how can anyone help? Old wounds torn open anew, new wounds stacked atop. Music grates at my ears, silence stretches on forever. Life borders on the unbearable. I will not say it is unbearable till I cannot bear it anymore. I can and will bear it, I do carry on. But the ground buckles beneath me, and I know not where the drop will lead me should I break through.

I don't know what to do. People say to put my grief aside for a time so I can do what is necessary, but not to leave it there. Ha, were it even possible.

The undercurrent of my life is pain, loss, grief, death. Under everything I do, unless I get myself so wasted I cannot see what lies directly beneath me, is that undercurrent. No laughter without thoughts of the ears that will never hear it again. No smile without the thought of the one I will never see smile again. No joy without it turning to ashes in my mouth. No pleasant thought without that taint covering it.

I do what I imagine I need to do. My mind thinks of how I should act, feel, what I should say should everything be fine. That is how I live. That usually falls apart, as well, but with a lack of a working alternative, I do what does not work.

Nothing holds pleasure for me. There is no joy in the usual distractions. No pleasure in what once brought me satisfaction. I want to destroy something beautiful. I want to shelter and grow it and watch it thrive. Conflicting emotions, desires, pains.

Loneliness is paramount. The far too familiar and once thought forever absent pain of loneliness given a new dimension. Forever present void in my life, about my life, forever bleeding out my spirit.

It is the lack of control, the lack of any hope of control, that twists my mind. The lack of any hope to change what most needs changing, fixing what is broken beyond repair. I can see my life as it was, and never will be again, no matter the future, the past is forever gone.

How can I hope to attempt to move forward? Always forward, never dwelling in the past, that is what is necessary, but forward where, to what, rushing headlong into darkness offering no hope, running from happiness never again attainable. What is that in life? There is no life in that, no plans, no possibility of once again life making sense or offering succor.

No peace for the desolate. No hope for the despoiled. No future but despair.

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Back home . . . minus the home
Monday, Jul. 26, 2004 - 20:54

So I'm finally back home, more or less... more less. Wandering around mooching off of friends couches till I can find a place to live... I want to find a new place before I have to move everything, apt to apt is easier than apt to storage to apt. Fewer steps are always better.

Almost cried when I saw my place. Not just cause it sucks... but cause, well, our home was destroyed. Havn't lived there except with her... and all our hard work decorating aranging... all that shit just destroyed. The snowglobe of my life just given another few vicious shakes.

Went looking for places today. Found a couple nice places... but have to bitch and moan to get my cats there, so few places let any pets... and I'm not giving up my cats. Can't really do that. Though they are pissed at me right now, for being gone. One wouldn't let me pick her up, and the other just looks at me scared I'm gonna make him take another car ride. They'll forgive me, always do... just... yea, I can't really get rid of them.

Low on cash, as usual. But I am selling my car, which will give me the funds needed to move. With luck I will get compensation from the apt, damages, inconvience, forcing me to move... etc, etc. Need to talk to a lawyer to figure out how much they are liable for. They should be liable for everything, I believe, but I can't find my copy of the contract, what with my place being torn apart.

I have pictures up from my apt at my blindmuse page for your viewing enjoyment. I don't have any OK pictures up yet, but I'll get started on that soon enough.

I'm completely lost, right now, no clue what to do with my life, with myself, for myself. I have nothing together, at all, the future a blank, the past just red. Almost 5 months, but all I am is more numb. So many times I expect her to be by my side, want to tell her something I found cool, or just tell her I love her. I still do... I don't know how to fit that in with her being dead. I don't know how to fit anything with her being dead. My life is like a rudderless ship drifting where the winds and current will take it, hoping to avoid the rocks. I feel transient, when all I want is at least the illusion of security. I am a minor control freak shown time and time again how I have no control, how none of us do. What to do about this, I know not.

My in-laws new 7 week old puppies are playing around my feet as I sit outside typing this. They are cute, clumsy and with sharp little teeth. I'm not a dog person, really, but I do still like em. I'll get some pictures of them as time goes on. They look helarious running through grass taller than they are, usually tripping and tumbling through it.

Well, I should go. Gonna watch a movie with my in-laws then go play beer uno with a friend. Sounds stupid, but any excuse to numb myself, right? Ha.

Life is empty, I feel nothing but lonliness, and I'm do a wonderful job alienating people who at least pretend to care and did make me feel better.

I'm out

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In Oklahoma & Bad News
Friday, Jul. 23, 2004 - 00:11

Been doing a few things in Oklahoma lately, havn't updated much. Don't feel like going into details of activity right now, couple things we did is go to the Zoo and the Oklahoma Bombing Memorial. I'll post pictures as I am able.

Anyrate, the crappy news I have is my apt flooded, and I have to move cause they don�t have any other apts avalable for two or three weeks. I fly in Sat evening at 10:30. Have to get a ride down to the Bay Area to get my car, so won't get back to Chico till Sunday. I have to have the apt empty by Monday evening. Should be moving in with a friend in Oroville, hopefully it won�t take long to find a good apt. They had better get me my full deposit back. Will have to read the contract, as well, to see how easy it would be to get money for anything damaged. Ah, well.

Not sure when the next time I�ll be able to update is. Depends how long it takes me to find a place and move my DSL and the like over. Hopefully won�t be too long.

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Monday, Jul. 19, 2004 - 11:13

Been hangin out in Oklahoma since sat. Been fun, cool people here. Flight here got delayed due to the baggage ramp damaging an engine. No clue how that happened, was very strange, but delayed me by about 4 hours. Least they had a free wireless connection at the Tally airport.

Got all the pictures up that are going to be up from Washington, New York and Florida HERE.

Got some horrible news the other day. My damned apartment flooded while I was gone. Hose to the washing machine just broke randomly. Since nobody was there, it flooded for several hours before anyone noticed, getting EVERYTHING on the floor in every room wet. No clue I lost anything real vital, don't think I had anything real vital on the floor.

So I get to go back home to a complete disaster. Yay. Never really want to go back home. Been in a real bad way missing Julie lately. This trip would have been completely different with her. So much better. I don't want this kind of life anymore. I want someone by my side. Don't really know how to live like this. Don't really know how to live.

So its been a good trip thus far, overall. Ups and downs, good times and not so good, but overall, been a good trip.

Should be happier. But am not. Or maybe I am happier than I should be.

Gonna trail off here and stop being anti-social.

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Same-Sex Marriage
Friday, Jul. 16, 2004 - 13:45

I'm not any great philosopher, historian, or whatever. However, there is a lot of talk going on about same sex marriage, however, and a lot of people saying a lot of things on both sides, most of which is untrue.

This will, hopefully, be my only even remotely political post. I don't like talking about politics. Even religion doesn't get most people as worked up as politics.

Its not true that allowing gay marriage will destroy the institution of marriage. Its not going to keep me for marrying a woman, nor will it keep anyone of heterosexual leanings marrying who they will.

It is true that this is yet another step to redefining family. The weekly standard has an interesting article on the affects of redefining marriage to include same sex couples in the Netherlands. The article, entitled Going Dutch? [] shows how out of wedlock births have increased at a rapider pace since the redefining of marriage.

Now, why does this matter, you may ask.

To accept this is not a good thing, you have to accept that children single parent households are not as well adjusted, on average, as children with a mother and a father. Plenty of studies have shown this, I don't really think its under contention at this time.

That, of course, also answers the question of "How does it affect me?" Poorly adjusted children do poorly in school, and are far more likely to use the states resources than contribute, hurting us all.

Of course, is this enough to not accede to their desires and redefine marriage? Thats the question.

My personal beliefs really don't matter, here, nor does anyones. Just the facts. Should we grant them their desires, or give them the same rights everyone else has? As it is, we are not denying them the benifits of marriage, just not expanding the definition for them. They can marry, the same as everyone else.

Of course, a thats not a terribly good argument. The vast majority of people are able to marry the ones their orientation directs them to lust after. Homosexuals are not able to do the same.

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Photo Gallery
Thursday, Jul. 15, 2004 - 19:59

Ok, I have photos up in a seperate gallery hosted at my blindmuse [ site. The gallery has a link on my front page, or is directly accessable via, or by clicking on the link.

I have all the photos from the trip so far that I have, least, all the ones that turned out half decent, wern't just duplicates, or wern't boreing. Ran out of batteries in Florida, or I would have more pictures. Sadly, this leg will go sourly undocumented. Ah, well, I'll live. Hate pictures, anyway.

Not much else to say right now. Going to get to sleep earlier so I'll be up tomorow during the day and not completely screw up my sleep schedule... anymore than it is.

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In Florida
Wednesday, Jul. 14, 2004 - 18:29

Havn't updated the last few days. Been busy and had little motivation to. Hanging out in florida now. Not doing anything terribly high key, but having a good time, seeing the sights, hanging with friends.

I was pretty bitter last week, and I'm not entierly sure why, looking back. I mean, yea, wasn't a great week by any means, but I usually let those kinds of things slide. Not sure why this got to me so much. Shouldn't have bitched about it so much. But I know I was really pissed at the time, and nothing really felt right or went right. Ah, well. Whats done is done. I worry about it far less than I would have a while ago.

I have stuck several pictures up on my other site. Visit it at for your viewing pleasure.
*** ADENDUM: my blindmuse site is having some major problems right now, working on fixing it, but some of the posts will look really, really wrong, and some of the images have just... disappeared, sorry for the inconvienence ***

Not much else to say right now, and am in the middle of a game. Till next time

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Leaving Albany
Saturday, Jul. 10, 2004 - 01:20

Too early to be up again. Leaving NY today, flying to Florida. Glad to be out of NY, things didn't go great here. Always look at the positive, though. Cought up on my sleep and didn't overcommit to anything. Heh. Overcommit. If only. Only ended up going out one night this week, and that wasn't late. Guess I'll see 9/11 on a later date. Good thing I didn't see it on my own during the day. Ha. Didn't get much of anything done since we left NYC.

So I slip away in the early, early morning. Everyone here is still asleep. Wish I was, but I'll sleep on the train and the flight. Another leg of my trip started without any sleep. Oh well, this next leg won't be nearly so stressful. No unpredictable female influence.

Allready said my fill on that, won't go into it any more here. No reason to. Just glad to be out of an mutually unpleasant situation.

Well, gotta finish packing up, don't want to be late. That would suck. Next time I update, it'll be from Florida.

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weblog-style diary change
Friday, Jul. 09, 2004 - 10:48

Changed it to weblog-style entries, so all the new entries appear on this page. No more having to scroll through the archives! I know so many of you did that, anyway. So many, ha. Sorry for you modem users, I'll try and restrict images to links in the future.

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Last day in Albany
Friday, Jul. 09, 2004 - 04:00

I continue with my marathon of dreams on the same subject. Not sure why. I'm gonna try and go to sleep after writing this again. Too early to be up, least it feels that way. Even though I've slept for a few hours, feels like I've been up all night.

The dreams are completely bizare. Not really sure what to make of them. It could be that I've just gotten enough sleep the last few nights that I'm finally able to dream... but I even drempt after going back to sleep for a few hours yesterday.

All of these dreams are in the ultrareal catagory, where I can't tell I'm dreaming when they are happening, and even remembering them they feel real. I even had a dream in one of the dreams. That was the only good part about that dream, and I got mad at the people in the actual dream for waking me from it.

They are really disturbing dreams, makeing me think things I don't want to think and feel things I don't want to feel. Everything about the dreams invoke pain, anger, panic, feelings of betrayal and abandonment... the list goes on. If its negative, its in there, just about. The endings of these dreams vary, too, from me laying down while someone kills me to me killing 35 people.

I need to calm down. Going back to sleep, definatly. Head hurts, one more day here. Have to get up ultra early tomorow to catch a train then a plane. Hopefully I can have fun tonight. Doubt it, but we'll see.

I hope I don't dream again.

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yesterday - tomorrow