Couple miserable nights in Albany, two to go
Thursday, Jul. 08, 2004 - 06:59

Albany itself isn't too bad. Got to relax mostly yesterday, just went out shopping, then later got some Chinese food for dinner. Burned my mouth on it cause they forgot my order at first, then I was trying not to have everyone just sit there and watch me eat cause they were all mostly done with their food by the time I got mine, and they rushed it out to me so it was really friggin hot. I keep feeling the blister on the top of my mouth.

I've had completely horrible dreams the last two nights. Havn't had dreams like these before, I'm confused as to why they are starting now. Woke up crying today. Never, ever done that before. I think Albany is just screwing with me. Just another couple nights, though, then I'll be in Florida, which should be more relaxing. I hope so. I need to drink or something cause my stress level right now is way higher than it should be on vacation, and the day hasn't even started yet. I'd leave early if it didn't cost so much.

I'm surrounded by people but feel so alone. I've had a feeling of wrongness about me ever since I came to NY. I'm a fucking mess right now, damn. I want to talk to someone but there is nobody to talk to. God my head hurts. I feel as if there is a battle going on inside my mind. There always is, what to do, what to say, what is right, what is wrong, what to think, what to feel. Nothing is sane anymore, nothing makes sense. Entierly new rules, and I don't know them, so I just guess as I go along. Fuck I'm miserable. I shouldn't be. I should be enjoying myself, living it up, shit like that. But, no. Its an effort to get out of bed and move the 2 feet to type this.

There is no comfort in the world, only blades with varying ammounts of padding. Memories arn't even bittersweet, just bitter, the pain overshadowing all else. I can't think. I feel like the higher functions of my brain have just been shut off. It is a chore to have a conversation, to smile, to laugh, to pretend to be a normal balanced individual, much less express my thoughts in an intelegent manner. I just want to scream, want to destroy something, anything, everything. Instead I go through my days smiling and laughing and dieing.

I'm stuck in a limbo of something. I can't give into the pain, its too much, I'm too alone, it would kill me. So the pain sits there, patient, lurking below me, the fetid scent seeping through my existence, keeping me from escaping it, weighing me down. I must give in, eventually, to get through I must first go in... but I don't fully believe that, and even if I did, it inspires fear. I've never given in before, I've never lost control. I don't know what will happen if I do. I don't want to die.

So childish. I know it won't kill me. I know I will get through. The clear celing above me, showing me the happiness I could have but never will. The waters are rising, and I will drown if I stay here, my face pressed up against the window to the future that can never be. But the waters are dark and I don't know how long I can hold my breath.

Enough of that. Its almost 10 AM here. I need to get up and do things. What, I do not know, but I know I need to.

Till next time.

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