up all night
Sunday, May. 23, 2004 - 06:05

I've been up all night. Sunrise is here and gone. I put a pillow over my head to try and shield my sleep starved eyes from the sunlight that drifts through my window. As I attempt in vain to grab some sleep I can't help but wonder why I do this to myself. Why do I keep myself up all night, chatting with people I don't know, playing stupid games, watching bad TV. Why do I stay up all night torturing myself with thoughts of the past and dreams of nows that cannot be.

Its been said its not about the past or the future, but the ride, whats the point of putting up with all this crap if you don't enjoy the ride. Well. The ride right now, sucks. I don't want to put up with all this shit. Yea, I want to be able to be self pittying for a time, too. Just not very good at it. I'm all mixed up and don't know what to do. And exausted.

I've been exausted for a while. It is... a way to numb myself, I think, keep myself from being able to focus, so I am unable to focus on that which causes so much pain. It is a way to focus only on the "now" so the past doesn't have to make sence and the future does not have to be decided. I cannot see a light at the end of this tunnel, so I walk on blindly forward and do not look but where this step is to land.

-Z-

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