ramblings 2004-05-18
2004-05-18 - 11:56 p.m.

/* Warning: I'm typing this to nobody, just myself, it came over a period of several hours, and goes nowhere. It would serve your sanity not to read it. In fact, it would probably be best if you read nothing I post */

Why does death come so suddenly?

Why does one life ending cause such havoc with the living?

Relationships have mass, and sudden removal of half of one creates an empty space and throws everything into disarray and chaos while those about try to compensate, and what is left of the relationship drags its bleeding self along to meet life with an open wound.

If one partner is not all you have, what happens when you first lives through to your death? What happens to the backup, or is it all planned� if so� why is it planned that the first should die�

Is it predestination, or is it free will and chance? The fancy of the All Mighty� yea, I have trouble believing in a good God who is both omnipotent and omniscient.

Chances, life is all about chances. Never take a chance and you will rarely have any great hurt, life will contain no great joy, of course. Also, of course, due to the unpredictability of life, great pain may still come your way. There is nothing assured.

Why does life do to us as it will, yet we carry on striving to tilt the odds in our favor, when the weight of the universe stands against us in indifference. Why do we struggle to advance our place to die in� as if the higher we are in life, the better death will be? He who dies with the most toys� dies. Why do so many struggle to escape the realities of life with a fiction, be it drugs or philosophy or sex? Why do so many claim another greater reality lies behind this one? We come from Aliens, they will take us away to paradise� life is but an illusion, nothing is real� and yet� and yet as we look upon life we know there must be something more, some greater reason to being here, the trivialities of life, the mundane reality that permeates our being, all of it cries out that there must be something more. If there is no reason� what matters, the largest mark we can make on this world, to be remembered for eons to come, but a blink of the infinite eye of the universe. So what is the greater purpose? Is it relative, do we all strive towards our own divinity, our own paradise, our own euphoria?

I suppose all of this is just our own crying out against the darkness that is life, to pierce the veil and see what lies beyond, to look into ourselves and see what defines us as us. Is it merely a game, to see who can go through life with the least pain, or perhaps who overcomes the most pain?

Why do we strive for another to join us in this journey that is life? What is it about us that wishes to find company, be it in the arms of another for a night, or for a lifetime of companionship. None can define ourselves in this life, so we wish for another, perhaps to balance against, perhaps stability through this life. Yet, yet so many fear that very thing, fear allowing one close enough to lean against, so night after night there are many, physical release without emotional vulnerability, but to be close you must be vulnerable, to share your life, you must share who you are, you must let them by the battlements of your soul, the mask you put up to the world to truly join in a meaningful life.

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